There are times when I cannot explain much of anything because of the madness. When the madness sweeps over me, feeling like I am the wreckage from it all, I have a choice to make. I can choose to become part of the madness or I can see the sweetness in it all.
In the middle of the madness, it is hard to find comfort and peace. I watch myself getting sucked into the darkness of madness when it is prevalent in my life. The storm twists around me and I don’t want to be in it or part of it. The more it whips me around, the more battered I become. It feels endless.
I become numb. I mean really numb. I cannot feel pain from the emotional trauma or from the physical pain of illness. I dip into the numbness without even being fully aware of it.
How do I find comfort when I cannot even feel? I go looking. I try. I do not give up.
Comfort and peace cannot be magically created. For me, something has to pierce my heart and soul, something has to touch me, stir me, activate any feeling anywhere in me.
Usually it is a song that triggers emotion in the depth of my numbness. Lately I have noticed that I have not heard any music lately. Sure, I have excuses. My battery in my stereo has died. I am tired of the ads when I try to listen to my favorites on YouTube. I am even too numb to figure out how to use something like iTunes or my Amazon player.
My life has been void of music lately. No one but ME can fix that. Taking responsibility for my own state of emotional madness is SWEET. Clicking on a new song (to me) is a step toward activating SWEETNESS in the midst of madness.
Watching a movie lately I heard a tidbit of a song. I watch movies a lot to distract me. I have been so numb that I couldn’t even tell you the names of any of the movies lately. But when a song pierced my rock hard heart I perked up. I felt something.
Today I took responsibility for my own numbness in the midst of madness. I have no control of others but I do have control of my thoughts and my actions, regardless of others.
I located the song. I even figured out how to purchase the song. Usually I purchase a CD and it just gets added to the pile. Today I knew that the weeks of numbness from madness had to be relieved with any source of feeling anything. So I did enough clicking on the computer to get a music player on my computer.
I listened to the song.
Then I listened to it again, and again and again.
It evoked emotion. It was SWEET. There were sweet tears from being able to feel something.
We cannot heal our bodies or our souls without emotion. There are times we need to set emotion aside to get on with the actions of life. There are other times when we need our emotions to penetrate the madness.
Living life numb is painful. As I explore the experience of repeated numbness, I am too familiar with the pain.
For me, I get quiet. I know I have a voice but when the madness hits me hard enough, I shut down. People around me can do and say things and I don’t even fight back. Defeated, wreaked beyond repair for a moment.
I have watched myself go through this enough times that I know I cannot stay there or I will get lost in the madness of others. I did this as a child and as a young adult. Hum, have even done it since. But in the last 20 years I have learned how not to stay there.
By finding the sweetness in the madness, I rise above it all. Today it was a simple song that brought me some comfort and peace. You know, that sweet spot that tells us that we will be okay. One way or another, it will be okay. Even through the madness, we will be okay. We surely might get beat up some more by life but it will be okay. Simply because there is a sweetness to madness.
The comfort is – I cannot be any more tired or sick or hurt or beaten up than I have already been through. I can now see my strength and hear my own voice above the madness. Wrapping that fact around me like a warm cozy blanket is sweet. I find peace in that and choose to get on with life.
My Creator made me and I am okay with me, even in the madness. Looking forward to seeing what is around the next corner for my life. Looking forward to feeling life and letting go of the remaining numbness.
What is the song that pierced my madness and helped me to feel the sweetness of life today? Angel by Sarah McLachlan — the Angel that lifts us above the wreckage!!
