I am on a roll with the word “crazy” right now, turning it into fun productive things instead of negative destruction. I am enjoying my crazy cracks!! Even while sprawled out in public from heart failure, I am enjoying the process of growth and leaving the cracked dry desert behind.
Leanoard Cohen sings it beautifully in his song Anthem, “there is a crack, a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in.” Those of us walking through chronic illness and trauma, in general, are not crazy, instead, we are very humanly cracked. It is that crack (the illness and/or the trauma) that allows light to come in and illuminate our inner being so we can see more clearly and live the lives we were created to live.
Although I enjoy Leanord Cohen’s song and the words here in this context, I see this a little differently. The light can actually come from within. I believe we were created with that light inside of us all. Some using it for good, some allowing evil to extinguish it.
Some people are able to grow up and have the nurturing it takes to explore who we are meant to be, individually and uniquely. Others are not provided that opportunity in childhood and have to find it along the way. Usually, after repeated abuse, traumatic events and/or chronic illness. Each round/event can be viewed as a teaching tool. Heart failure can fill the cracks with space and light to reveal the next step.
That crack seems to widen with pain and injuries as the light is being revealed. For me, it has taken not just chronic illness but for it to become life-threatening to embrace the crack deeply enough to explore the light that truly shines from within.
The traumatic events have come at me at lightning speed, forever, always. I never remember life being any different yet always wanting it to be. I have always been busy ducking instead of living. With no navigational skills on how to get to a better place, I have had to rely on my faith. No pastor, counselor or husband has ever been able to put a positive dent in this situation, only my faith has. I have picked up tools along the way but never cracking the code of that light inside of me that makes me uniquely me.
Instead, I have tip-toed around everyone else and lived for others expectations. It is good to serve others, yet it is unwise to tip-toe simply to let others shine while extinguishing yourself.
I have officially been cracked and I am enjoying it. No heart surgeon can fix my broken heart, I have to fix it. I have overcome Lyme Disease by using this enlightenment and now have to finish the work that needs to be done to resolve the remaining health issues. I have learned that I can eat perfectly healthy and take all of my medicine and natural protocols and unless I do the soul work, the digging deeply into the cracks, I will not function at my fullest potential. It takes all of it to be healthy.
Have to say it is very odd to know that it is not truly a cardio/heart issue, it is a soul issue that keeps me stuck. My physical heart is revealing what is happening to me emotionally. yet taking on very real physical problems that are forcing me to look deeper to live through this. Our bodies are incredibly fascinating. They can work with us instead of against us when we let them.
As I am learning who I am, that I can trust myself, and that there really is a pure light inside of me, I am enjoying life more than imagined all while my physical heart is not keeping up. The two are related. I have officially been cracked to allow that light to shine. With that crack comes some scary cardio/heart moments as I learn how to reveal that light inside more fully. I am okay with that. I will get there in due time.
I don’t want to fix the crack with another hard concrete barrier. The trauma in my life has already made me hard enough. Who I naturally am is not a hard person, I have used my barriers to protect myself for decades while I figure this out. I have needed those barriers for survival. For me, rushing to an emergency room because of my scary heart issues is just adding another layer of concrete to have to crack through later. I am at a very peaceful place digging deep into who I am, and emergency room band-aides are not the answer, for me in particular.
Even plants can push through concrete to get to the light that they require for growth. I am pushing through all of my hardness to see that light within and just simply be me. I am finally enjoying the process. I accept my wild crazy cracks that are revealing my unique light.
I can envision the beauty that lies within me as I move through the cracks and into fully living life. I can see the color and vibrancy. I have been stomped on along the way to make my root system stronger than most. As I rise to the occasion, I hold myself very tenderly knowing that this is for me to do alone.
I say kind words to myself when no one else will. I forgive others for their shortcomings like I have learned to forgive myself for mine. I have learned to trust my instincts and reach for the light, that light that is within and most of all the light of my faith. I know where to look for protection instead of building walls and barriers. I know that provision will come in the least expected ways.
I continue to learn to take it one day at a time. Shoot, I have learned to take it one minute at a time while laying sprawled out from heart failure. Each baby step has gotten me far on this journey. I am grateful for it all. I am grateful for the crazy cracks that keep me smiling no matter what.
How are you doing with the cracks in your body and soul? Are you letting the light shine through?
Maribeth Baxter MBEC (Certified Mind-Body Eating Coach)
Donations are accepted to serve others on their chronic illness journey. Maribeth Baxter, MBEC provides voluntary certified health coaching services to the financially limited during their time of crisis.