Not interested in feeling the pain of life every day. It hurts too much. It hurts so much that I simply do not feel the pain of it all today. Not the pain of disease or the chronic suffering from it. Not the pain of the decades of trauma and the consequences from others. Not the pain of my own poor choices and the backlash from it. There are days when I don’t want to feel the pain and can’t feel it. I use those days to rest my soul and excel in other areas of life.
As you suffer through chronic illness, pain and trauma, do you have days your feelings shut down? I sure do. It becomes too much to deal with and the emotional side of me turns off. There is so much loss that I have experienced that I go numb sometimes.
There are moments in life when it hurts so bad that the hurt no longer aches, it is just numb. It almost feels like a different person must have lived the life of this person that suffered through so much. I cannot fully relate to it at the moment because I am simply numb from all of it, so much of it, too much of it.
When enough is enough it is okay to let our souls rest from the pain. Take a time-out and give the misery a day off. Set it aside and see what happens.
I do not know how you deal with days or weeks or even months like this but sometimes I get a treat out of it. My heart has found other interests in life besides the overwhelming journey of my personal health. My interests take me to places that my past life has never explored. It is a time of true adventure that allows me to escape the pain of illness and trauma.
It is fun to get lost in other interests. It allows me to dream of a life without illness, without chronic pain, a life without current trauma. My curiosity gets me sometimes, wondering what my life will be like as a healthy person free from the waves of Lyme Disease crashes. How will I use my brain and my body for the service of others who are suffering through this muck?
Having Lyme Disease since early childhood creates a darkness. I have fun dreaming of a life of light and wonderment. I get so giddy about it at times that it activates me into these days of exploration.
What can I do today to further my life and my future?
This is where I become grateful that I have days, weeks and months that I shut down from the pain of it all. This becomes a time of living in TODAY for my future.
The suffering has been deep enough, for me to know, that I do not know what tomorrow or the rest of my life will offer. I truly only have today to live in. So, I choose to be numb when it happens and enjoy the adventure of today pain-free.
Amazed at the depth of pain there is with disease and trauma. Equally amazed at the joy that can bubble up inside of us regardless of it all.
When this happens, new worlds open up to me that I have never experienced before. I realize I can do some things that I had no idea that I could wrap my brain around. I see things that I was never able to see before. I find beauty in the smallest of these adventures.
My body still does not fully cooperate with my mindset but that is okay. Maybe my body is keeping me still to find the beauty in the moment of today. Learning the lessons of today in the most gentle way.
Removing the endless trauma from my thoughts gives space for pleasure of today. I am more capable today than I have been in my entire lifetime, because I can enjoy the moment, no matter how limited it is due to my health.
When the numbness of trauma wears off and I start to feel it again, I will deal with it. There are many layers of emotional healing left to do. I don’t have to get it all done today to be a perfect human to show the world diddly. I am perfectly happy with today, where I am in my journey. There is no other human that can take away my moment of peace.
Thankful for my emotions numbing so I could feel the joy of today.
What do you do with your numbing days?
Maribeth Baxter, MBEC
Donations are accepted to serve others on their chronic illness journey. Maribeth Baxter, MBEC provides voluntary certified health coaching services to the financially limited during their time of crisis.