Enough already!! It is no longer funny when someone passes out. Children have a difficult time knowing what the limit is, in many situations. Good way to know is when you are bullying someone and they pass out. The memories can be more damaging than the event itself. And then there is the breath of life.
I have no clue why this is coming up now but I have been reminded of an incident when I was in second or third grade. I have very few childhood memories before sixth grade so this memory in particular has always caught my attention. Never forgotten it but certainly thought I was long over it.
The incident itself is ancient history and I could not even tell you who did it to me. I do remember it was a fellow male student. I remember we were in the classroom and there were others in the room as well. I clearly remember it was his hands (not arm) that he used to choke me until I passed out.
It is the fear I remember. Knowing that I could not breathe. Knowing that I was not receiving help. I did not see fun snowflakes, I saw stars as I lost consciousness.
Waking up on the floor alone was more difficult than being choked. I realized we have to deal with life on our own sometimes.
We all know at this point how awful bullying is for children. For the sake of children, I too want it stopped.
This is completely separate than the bullying issue. It is about having a chronic illness and life coming back at us when we already feel the most vulnerable. There is nothing about that experience when I was young that has necessarily haunted me since. Or so I thought. I really do not know the answer and that is more what this is about.
I have had Lyme Disease since early childhood. Lyme Disease greatly alters the brain. Not the intelligence part of the brain, more the emotional part of the brain. And certainly the memory part of the brain. There is much of my life that has been erased from my memory bank. It has been that way all my life. Chunks of time disappear, completely.
Lyme Disease is a mysterious disease, in that it can be a deep healing disease – that is, if it does not destroy you first. It is like it is a battle of wills. My will always wins. I will not give in or give up. It has truly been a thrill of a lifetime to finally be in the healing stages of Lyme.
Part of this healing happened over Thanksgiving when a nerve was struck and this choking memory came crashing in on me. I ended up having lots of nightmares. I even ended up with a physical manifestation of the situation on my neck. There was a red mark twisting all around the front of my neck and a chocking feeling. It was there for over a week.
It is too exhausting to over-analyze everything in life. Enough is enough. I have had so much trauma in my life, that I think I am being choked with it all.
I hear from many of you that the trauma gets to be overwhelming at times for you too. It gets to a place where we cannot even explain what it has done to our lives.
Maybe there are times to just be still. Be still enough to let the hold it has on our lives lessen a bit so we can breathe again. Many of us never remember being able to fully breathe.
It is time to breathe, deeply and fully. Let the chokehold go.
What creeps up on you that makes you breathless? How are you able to catch your breath and then breathe deeply?
Maribeth Baxter, MBEC
Donations are accepted to serve others on their chronic illness journey. Maribeth Baxter, MBEC provides voluntary certified health coaching services to the financially limited during their time of crisis.