Had the trauma of such complete abandonment not happened, I would not be where I am today. Had the closest people in my life not entirely walked away I could not have had the space to find my own solutions without nonsensical input, keeping me in ill health. Had I not kept fighting through it all, I could not see the gratitude for their departure so that I could do what was necessary to save my own life from disease and stay on a healing path. Should I write thank you notes??
For those who have followed the story, the abandonment by everyone important to me has been beyond heart wrenching. As I have dipped into the depth of a few diseases and have been homebound for 6 years and in physcial pain beyond comprehension, the ones that I was closest to left, literally disappeared.
One long distance girlfriend has remained and stood by me to support and love on me when no one else would. ONE human is not enough to meet the needs of a chronically ill person. One person is not enough to wipe up all the tears and listen to the anger and frustration of the situation. One long distance person is not able to meet the physical needs that have to be met to move through and out of chronic illness.
Catapulted by Trauma
The impact of that that particular trauma has catapulted me into a better place.
When I think about the fact that I have had untreated Lyme disease and heart disease for my entire life, I can see why I have struggled so dang much!!
I am still completely responsible for my life and my actions, no getting around that. But a sweet forgiveness for myself has taken place with the understanding of how this has played out. Without support from any loved ones, I have had to deal with the diseases ravishing my body, on my own.
I have taken care of a deathly ill child with chronic illness for 11 years straight, 9 of those years as a single parent. It takes a love beyond physical limitations to accomplish such a feat. While I had my own physical struggles and limitations, my young child needed care.
Endless mothers have taken on the daunting task of caring for and fighting for the lives of their children, simply for the love of their children.
Not only do chronically ill people need physical care in abundance, they need extra doses of love and nurturing to deal with their own emotional fears and struggles because of the illness. When it is a child, there should be no question. Life gets put on hold, things slow down to a pace that allows for the care and attention needed.
It all makes logical sense to me. Been there, done that! That child survived regardless of incredible odds. Why would family or loved ones NOT make that choice? Why would loved ones not step up in helping another who is so ill?
Cannot answer those questions but I can now be grateful for the abandonment of my loved ones. Only a twisted mind like mine can see the immense gratitude I have for the situation.
Without giving any explanation of how messy ALL of my relationships have been with EVERY human-being I have encountered, I will simply say, life has been messy for many complex reasons. Health issues certainly has played a tremendous factor in the complexity of my life.
This is life gang.
Yes, of course, the abandonment of all loved ones has ripped out my heart, chewed it up and spit it out.
Yes, there have been intense waves of anger.
Yes, I am disappointed beyond belief that the ones I loved most in life could all walk away, fully knowing I needed a boatload of help.
Yes, it is all sad.
And then there is the turn…
Because life has been so wildly messy for me, for many reasons, it has created an environment of yuck and muck beyond what any human can endure. I am a fighter, not a quitter. The situation has thrust me into a place I never could have imagined.
Through no choice of my own, the ones I love most have removed themselves. That also means that their lack of honor, respect, faith, trust and love for me has also been removed.
I never would have chosen this abandonment but the results have been plum fascinating.
The chaos of disrespectful snots is not grinding on my self-confidence at every turn.
It does not matter if it is children, family, friends, neighbors, community, church family, or the receptionist at a doctor’s office – when we do not treat each other as human beings, with basic respect for mankind, we all create a bit of chaos that is not needed on this planet.
I have done it to others, others have done it to me. Others do not have to like me but yes, they “should” treat me with basic human respect. Yes, I “should” treat others with that same respect regardless of how poorly they treat me.
Disrespect feeds chaos. Chaos feeds disrespect. It will not stop unless we make it stop.
The impact of trauma on our lives has to stop by our efforts, not others.
The twist in my situation is that the abandonment was not of my choosing but has brought with it a quieting of the disrespectful chaos that fed my chronic illnesses. The chaos stopped, in part by others abandonment. The rest of the chaos was up to me to stop.
My Turn to Make My Choices for My Health
Having two significant deadly untreated diseases for a lifetime has allowed for many opportunities to encounter the opinions of how others think I “should” treat my health issues.
There is nothing accomplished by naming who did what to me to create the endless trauma in my life. This is not about them, this is about how I am moving through the trauma, through the chronic health issues and into a place where I can finally thrive for the first time in my life.
The beautiful aspect of abandonment is that things get very quiet. We are left with our own thoughts. We are left with our own choices. We are left to ourselves and we get the glorious opportunity to practice self-respect and trust. Makes no difference what others show us, we must have respect and trust in ourselves.
- The years of wrenching endless pain from Lyme was treated with what I chose was best for my body based on my knowledge at the time. I respected myself enough to trust in my choices.
- I have faced complete blockage to my heart on my own. I had to make all the decisions of how to handle the situation on my own.
- I have faced a 4-inch mass under my rib cage all by myself. I was confident in my decisions how to handle the situation.
Now THIS is a good place to be. Sure, I might be alone in it, but I am learning to trust myself and have the basic respect for myself that I should have. I am more than capable of making these decisions. I know my body better than any other human, especially the ones who tell me to do things their way or else.
I spend endless hours learning about the human body, have for 22 years. I have lived in my body my whole life, I know it best. I have experimented with all kinds of healing modalities and know which ones work for my body and which ones hurt me. I am even willing to try some pretty funky things because those are usually the ones that work best on me.
There is not one ounce of doubt in my mind that I know what I am doing and I know how to listen to my body to hear its limits. I know when my body is responding positively and just needs time.
When I use my instincts AND knowledge, the process works perfectly. When I add in the knowledge and wisdom of other like-minded health care professionals, I get additional healing benefits.
I could not have unblocked my completely blocked ascending aorta at a moments notice like a vascular scientist did. Sometimes we have to trust others. We just need to choose wisely which “others” we trust.
I know what I know what I know… So, others chaos is actually not welcome at this point. My loved ones are always welcome but not the chaos of their disrespect and lack of faith in my ability to simply be me.
What appeared to be a heart-wrenching situation of abandonment has turned out for the best. I have always had it in me to rise above these lifelong health issues. I did NOT have the ability to tune out noise of others that I so dearly love. That noise was louder than the trust I needed in myself to heal.
Since I could not get there myself, the sheer force of abandonment has catapulted me into a safe quiet place. I feel much freer to accept and trust myself. When there is no one else to turn to, we only have what we have inside of ourselves.
- I have learned that I can rely on myself, fully. I will show up for myself.
- I know my body and its incredible ability to heal.
- I know my character and its ability to fight no matter how impossible it looks.
- I have an uncanny accuracy in dealing with my health issues with results that are beyond human hands.
- I know my faith and my Creator and His power to fix what He wants fixed.
Healing My Heart
As I move through the physical aspects of healing my heart disease, I am noticing that it is only coming with gratitude and forgiveness. My heart is healing by leaps and bounds. The much needed forgiveness is replacing the subsiding anger from the situation.
My last scan revealed that ALL of the sandy hard calcification is gone. In just 2 1/2 months, it is all gone. Yes, I accepted medical intervention in the life-threatening moment and I will have to be on a certain natural remedy the rest of my life to maintain open arteries. My genes predispose me to having it happen again but my natural lifestyle can keep me alive and thriving.
My point is, my heart could not have healed like that, that fast and completely, with a bitter resentful heart. As the hardness of life melted away, so did the rock hard calcification.
As I have let go of so much, my complete heart blockage has turned into blood and oxygen flowing like it has NEVER ever in my whole entire life. A sincere love for myself and loved ones (regardless of everything) has allowed love to flow through me instead of getting stuck.
The physically impossible has shown up as possible. The relationships with the people I love most will sort itself out as long as I remain open and have that flowing heart. Forgiveness no longer gets stuck by hardness. This forgiveness is significantly for myself as well as others. We all mess up and require forgiveness.
Healing My Lyme – And All Diseases
Lyme is a tough disease to get through and heal from. There is no getting around that fact. It simply comes with as many physical issues as it does emotional.
This particular disease has no particular “cure” so that we can take a pill and get over it all. I am grateful for that because it forced me to look within deeper than I realized possible. The cure for Lyme comes in a very unusual pill, personal growth and wholeness.
Lyme almost requires one to get out of the pain of trauma from our lives. Until we make a shift away from the onslaught of what trauma has done to us and move on to how the trauma can make us who we are today, one cannot move forward. It is like it is a 4-inch mass that needs to move through the body and out.
Releasing what the trauma has made of our lives allows us to step up, be there for ourselves and move into a full and productive life. It also, certainly makes us more available to others in a healthier manner.
This process is actually the same for any disease. With my untreated Lyme and heart disease, my body gave in to several other diseases. When we remove the disease label and get on with what it takes to fully heal, the exact name of the exact disease does not take on the weight.
Healing fully does not come in the form of treating only the particular disease, it also has to come with introspection and personal growth. As we grow as people, there is not enough room for disease to share the same space so it dissipates.
The doors of gratitude have opened in abundance!!
It certainly may appear to most that I have lost everything because of the abandonment by my precious loved ones. That is not how I see it. I have gained everything.
As I move through this healing, I can see that I have something entirely different to offer the world. I have me to offer, not what others tried to make me into.
Any sincere loved one will eventually find his/her way back in relationship with me. Healthier relationships can be had with the same loved ones. That will sort itself out.
New relationships will be made…
As messy as I am, I am perfectly happy and content being me. Could not be more grateful for this experience in its entirety.
How do you see the connection between your trauma and chronic illness? Do you have gratitude for any part of either, and why?
Maribeth Baxter, MBNC (Certified Mind-Body Nourishment Coach)